it amazes me how easy things have become on one side. and so difficult on the other. the one that used to be comfort, safety and warmth has now become hurtful and dark. while the other one which used to be superficial craziness, has turned into something warm, comfortable, soothing, embracing and happy. so happy. i think someone up there is really playing a joke on me. hah

i will wait (: wait for e day to come. and if it doesn't, erh well, let's just say i'd have fucked myself over for awhile -.-

sometimes when i try to remember things, it feels like a dream. esp jc. seeing as how i danced jc away. and barely was in class at all. but other than that, so many things that made me so happy and were so important to me back then. feels just like a misty dream. the rock concert, prata, the book, the diet coke, the red wall and so many things that have just intertwined and blurred into one each other that its all just mist floating around. there but not solid.

i don't think i want to put myself through the same mental and emotional torment anymore. i don't think i can do it. i'll stick to what i do best. hah. if its even good at all.

i've become such a recluse and loner that i'm starting to get worried about myself.

hmms. hotaru in gakuen alice reminds so much of cass & rach :p uncanny i tell you. hahaha



bounces bounces bounces ((((: olympics is coming! eeeks. i'm going to watch gymnastics all day all night long. omg he kexin is amazing :D wheeee.

i think what you're doing is fucking unnecessary. i know it ok. i've known it for a damn long time now. why do you think i've been silent all this time. all the stupid not so subtle 'hints' are just plain hurtful and stupid. i've had it.

i have a great dislike for people who are fake. pretentious. who are able to put on a mask and be two-face, three-faced, multiple-faced. there's nothing wrong with putting on a mask to face the world. but when you the sides of e mask are so extreme, so opposite and so disgustingly insincere. i hate it. that's one aspect of adults that i've seen too many times, that i fear would affect me one day. i'd take any tactless, loud or outspoken person ANYDAY.

i used to think it was an adult characteristic, hence my insistence on not wanting to be an adult, well i still don't want to be :p but i've seen it in many ppl my age too. and it just makes my hair stand. it irks me to no end. and i can't deal with ppl like that.

thank goodness i met you two. if not for the both of you, nudging me insistently and persistently back onto track almost 6/7 years ago. i'd still be the major brat i was. hahaha.

five things that i think are really sexy

- hands
- a deep voice
- dress shirts with rolled up sleeves
- saxophone
- mussed up hair

i feel like we worry too much about insignificant things sometimes. but then again what is insignificant or significant. hah. when i see people complain nonstop about stupid things nowadays, i always get annoyed :p don't ask me why.

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part

5 years, of which probably 4 half were spent like this. enough is enough. really. i'm quite the opposite, i just keep sleeping. hoping that one day i'd wake up and it'd be all a dream

i keep looking around me nowadays. how familiar things look, and yet how foreign. transient is the word. how everyday no matter what happens, no matter how much you hurt everything still goes on the same way it does. no matter how sad we are to part, we still have to part. and life still goes on. that's why i'm no longer sad to say goodbye. i don't like it. but i don't fear it anymore. its all part of this continuous circle of hello and goodbye. a goodbye to angela = a hello to mel. a goodbye to ming = a hello to kaylene. irony. and one day we will all be gone, just whispers in the wind, a scratch to know you were there if you're lucky. the buildings will still be standing there 50, 80 years down the road. and most of us will be gone by then. who will remember us? children, grandchildren? who will remember our stories, our friends, our loves? i don't even know much of my grandma's story.

i just need abit of comfort. safe warm haven to hide away. ming who doesn't say much, but shows me so much so much. mel with her persistent faith in me. yipeng who stands there no matter what or when. angie who reads me like a book. they understand my confusion. my continuous torture. of unfulfilled promises, disappointment, secrets, lies and signs. hah.

i love rubbing my star. it seems to ground me. to really remind me of how much there is to everything.

[edit] i no longer want to have something solid. i rather be grasping at air, at something i can't define or feel. i want to want, not to have. i'm not sure why though. is it cause i know there's nothing much to really want, or that i don't really want it.. and i just like toying with the idea of having it and craving after it. or maybe i don't need it at all now. i don't quite understand myself sometimes.

it seems that i've been this way, felt this way, thought this way for so long.. that now, when the feelings, memories, emotions and everything but the scars are gone, i still can't stop myself from acting in that manner. i don't know how to be mean to you, to show you how much you've hurt me, to show you how disappointed and upset i am, or how disgusted i am by the situation i'm in. and it really irks me. irks me to no end. that i don't have the strength, resolve or ability to be true to myself. at least the other action i can't control doesn't bother me that badly because i know its over and done. all that's left is the smell. the smell that still can make me tick. hah [/edit]

i must have found one of my favourite dances ever (((((: though i really don't like either dancers (no personality) beh. but omg this dance is beautiful. and so wonderfully choreographed its so heart-aching. gosh i love mia michael :D she win ok she win.



massive shopping spree today + mel being back + wonderful workmates + dances = VERY VERY VERY HAPPY WJ (:

happy birthday lyds!

i'm super super happy in a&g (((: hahaha. everyday passes incredibly quickly. the ppl in my fishbowl are absolutely lovely. hahaha. and then's this bunch of us who go to lunch, talk shit and go home together everyday (: what a diff from lee & lee man 0_o

and i'm really quite enjoying my work. so even better for me :D

and i've been avoiding talking to ppl lately. not in the mood. pms-ing perhaps. but yeh, do sms me larh :p i'll reply. don't bother fb-ing or emailing. i've been so tired everyday after work that i just crash onto my couch and die there till bed time :p

its pouring outside my window now (: oh how i've missed the rainy nights sitting by my computer. watching the rain come down. the city lights. the traffic on the highway. haha.

i've been hiding away in my house e past few days. not wanting to see anyone. not wanting to go out. but i did go meet angie baby for tea yest (: which got me all happy and bubbly. hahaha. amazing how quickly 3 years have gone by just like that. and how much we've changed each other eh :p hahaha. and today i got a nice little visit (((: tea and cookies. yumyum. talking about everything, anything, nothing.

this one year in london has changed me quite abit. i've stopped obsessing about always being in control. trying to control things i know i can't. i've learned to let go. that really, if something is meant to be.. it'd be. and the importance of timing and waiting. and possibly cos of that, i've stopped brooding over things as much, just letting myself go along with the flow. and i realise i'm generally a happier person.

work starts tmr. pouts. i hope a&g doesn't work me to the bone. SIGHS. hello friends, if you are free, do come visit me at raffles place and have lunch with me :D much appreciated!

WHAHAHAAHAHA. this song is freaking hilarious :p all thanks to cass. i cannot get the wo ai tai mei, tai mei ai wo part out of my head. AHAHA

[edit] don't be sad my love. it makes me so sad to see you sad ):

i like days with nothing to do. i just spend my time lost in my thoughts. thinking, dreaming, wondering and musing over things. so many things. [/edit]

i'm back from taiwan (((((((((: it was massive loads of fun. hahaha. the wonderful combination of best friends, food, fun, shopping, new place and ALOT of singing. whahaha. it was fabulous. but now i'm sick and suffering from this overload of sun, eating (too much starch i tell you. taiwanese are obsessed with starch -.- ) and playing. ahaha. more pictures another day (:

work starts next monday. pouts

omgomgomgomgomg! sytycd is back for its 4th season. EEEEKS!!! hahaha. i can so tell you that one hour every week is the happiest hour for all dancers. i think i've refound my motivation to start dancing again. its been a year since i've danced (not counting prancing around my pigeonhole). but i need to move, need to feel and need to dance again (((:


terence would LOVE this. hahaha.

i must say the one thing, the one thing we rj dancers couldn't do in the past was make the open mouth sultry look. or maybe it just never came to mind. AHAHAHA. and yet i see 18 yr old girls and guys do it all e time 0_o hmmms. interesting :p i need to see if i dare to do it when i find myself a new partner. it certainly ups the passion and effect of e performance alot. hahaha.

sometimes i wish i had the guts to give up everything just to dance. that's why i admire ppl like sherry and bernice who are majoring in dance. but at the same time, having dabbled in so many types of dance, letting go of ballet, taking up latin and lyrical. i'm currently left in a position where i know enough of everything but not sure of which one i'm best in or want to train in. sighs. i'm rather disgusted with myself and everything at the moment. i'm the happiest when i dance. and i need to stop saying i need to find it, and actually start dancing again.